It may sound boring, but this is a topic that EVERYONE should know about! Yes, that means parents too (I'd even go so far as to say, show this to any parents you know). I'm not joking- not enough people know about this, and it could end up preventing a lot of fights if they do.
Individuation (dern-dern-DERN!) occurs during adolescence and is the process in which a child separates emotionally from their parents to become independent. Everyone goes through this process, and it can be quite a difficult thing (for both the parent and the child). Many parents try to maintain the close, controlled and reliant relationship their child is used to, but as adolescents we naturally want to gain independence and start to make our own decisions.
Individuation (dern-dern-DERN!) occurs during adolescence and is the process in which a child separates emotionally from their parents to become independent. Everyone goes through this process, and it can be quite a difficult thing (for both the parent and the child). Many parents try to maintain the close, controlled and reliant relationship their child is used to, but as adolescents we naturally want to gain independence and start to make our own decisions.
Parents often want to control their kids, make decisions for them and know everything about them. As a reaction to this, kids feel a lot of frustration because they're trying to break out of the metaphorical nest.
The problem many people face is finding the balance of reliance and independence. Individuation is a process: it doesn't just happen one day, and suddenly you're an independent person who makes all their own choices and supports him/herself. During adolescence, we tend to waver back and forth between child and adult. Sometimes, we want to be allowed to make our own decisions as an adult; but other times we feel vulnerable and need our parents to take control of the situation and comfort us. As a parent, it's very hard to discern between the times when control is appropriate, and when it isn't.
The problem many people face is finding the balance of reliance and independence. Individuation is a process: it doesn't just happen one day, and suddenly you're an independent person who makes all their own choices and supports him/herself. During adolescence, we tend to waver back and forth between child and adult. Sometimes, we want to be allowed to make our own decisions as an adult; but other times we feel vulnerable and need our parents to take control of the situation and comfort us. As a parent, it's very hard to discern between the times when control is appropriate, and when it isn't.
That's not to say that as adolescents, we should rebel against parental control! In actual fact I am 100% committed to giving my parents an easy ride, so long as it doesn't interfere with my own values and beliefs. However, there are a couple of things I do want to say:
1) To parents- Be understanding of your kids. Adolescents can be grumpy, uncommunicative and sometimes just plain confusing. Instead of focusing on what you can't understand, look at what you can. When your kid wants to make their own decisions, negotiate. Actually listen to them, and make sure they know you're listening. Allow them a little freedom when they want it, and be ready to support them when they fall down. Keep the communication lines open.
2) To adolescents- Now that you know this, do something for me: think about your relationship with your parents. Don't purposely try to fight them, try and negotiate. Don't treat them as an authority to rebel against: instead, treat them as equals with whom you wish to compromise. Believe me, it makes everything a whole lot easier.
3) It's a PROCESS, not an EVENT. This is one of my doctor's favourite catchphrases, so you may be hearing it from me often. The point is, don't rush the process, and don't try to stop it either. It's a natural thing. Just go with the flow, guys!
1) To parents- Be understanding of your kids. Adolescents can be grumpy, uncommunicative and sometimes just plain confusing. Instead of focusing on what you can't understand, look at what you can. When your kid wants to make their own decisions, negotiate. Actually listen to them, and make sure they know you're listening. Allow them a little freedom when they want it, and be ready to support them when they fall down. Keep the communication lines open.
2) To adolescents- Now that you know this, do something for me: think about your relationship with your parents. Don't purposely try to fight them, try and negotiate. Don't treat them as an authority to rebel against: instead, treat them as equals with whom you wish to compromise. Believe me, it makes everything a whole lot easier.
3) It's a PROCESS, not an EVENT. This is one of my doctor's favourite catchphrases, so you may be hearing it from me often. The point is, don't rush the process, and don't try to stop it either. It's a natural thing. Just go with the flow, guys!
Hope this post is useful! All this info helped me a lot when I was trying to come to terms with my parents' controlling attitudes during my Zombie Phase and subsequent recovery.
Love always,
Em xx
Love always,
Em xx