Individuation (dern-dern-DERN!) occurs during adolescence and is the process in which a child separates emotionally from their parents to become independent. Everyone goes through this process, and it can be quite a difficult thing (for both the parent and the child). Many parents try to maintain the close, controlled and reliant relationship their child is used to, but as adolescents we naturally want to gain independence and start to make our own decisions.
The problem many people face is finding the balance of reliance and independence. Individuation is a process: it doesn't just happen one day, and suddenly you're an independent person who makes all their own choices and supports him/herself. During adolescence, we tend to waver back and forth between child and adult. Sometimes, we want to be allowed to make our own decisions as an adult; but other times we feel vulnerable and need our parents to take control of the situation and comfort us. As a parent, it's very hard to discern between the times when control is appropriate, and when it isn't.
1) To parents- Be understanding of your kids. Adolescents can be grumpy, uncommunicative and sometimes just plain confusing. Instead of focusing on what you can't understand, look at what you can. When your kid wants to make their own decisions, negotiate. Actually listen to them, and make sure they know you're listening. Allow them a little freedom when they want it, and be ready to support them when they fall down. Keep the communication lines open.
2) To adolescents- Now that you know this, do something for me: think about your relationship with your parents. Don't purposely try to fight them, try and negotiate. Don't treat them as an authority to rebel against: instead, treat them as equals with whom you wish to compromise. Believe me, it makes everything a whole lot easier.
3) It's a PROCESS, not an EVENT. This is one of my doctor's favourite catchphrases, so you may be hearing it from me often. The point is, don't rush the process, and don't try to stop it either. It's a natural thing. Just go with the flow, guys!
Love always,
Em xx